AntiAmba

“The man who wants to write a great book paint a great picture create an architectural masterpiece become a great scientist and knows that never in all eternity will he be able to realize this, his innermost desire, can find no peace in a stable social order - old or new. He sees the world perpetually out of joint. He feels at home only in a state of chaos.” Eric Hoffer - The True Believer: Thoughts on the Nature of Mass Movements    I believe not many people have failed through life exactly the way I did. I am always living life in perpetual chaos, anxiety and disorder,  creating nonlinear connections between themes, concepts and ideas.  This is where inspiration comes from and make to achieve the impossible. Most of the people I know like to continue to live their ordered life and do not understand the meaning of these words. They never will.

I wake up. I look at the window trying to figure it dawn is close or I need to wait. Everything is dark. Again, waiting to feel the pulse of the city. I have nothing to do. It's 04:18 as I glanced to the phone glass. I am defined on not finding a center that is hidden in my mind as I fell multiple exogenous forces around an idea, like radiating circles that expand in my brain with an hidden order. I jump to one place to the other, to one principle to the next one. I cannot find answers to what is right or what is wrong. Sense just moves away and drains my energy. Contrary of complex systems, there is no natural equilibrium. I have been told I put very hard to myself lately.

On my way to the airport headed to Kasptad, ZA. "[... that loneliness can derive from the conviction that there is no person or group to which on belongs. This not belonging can be seen to have a much deeper meaning. However much integration proceeds, it cannot do away with the feeling that certain components of the self are not available because they are split off and cannot be regained. Some of these split-off parts [...] are projected into other people, contributing to the feeling that one is not full possession of one's self, that one does not fully belong to oneself or, therefore, to anybody else. The lost parts too, are felt to be lonely." Melanie Klein - On the sense of Loneliness - Paper, 1963 Nigerian society is shaped by an immense gap in inequality that defines who you are and the position you hold based on the quantity and quality of your assets. Women still largely depend on the income that the husband can bring to the household. Hence, for the wife...